Feed The Plants

I'm remembering that time in my life where I hated to admit growth. Growth, change, maturity. All of these required me to admit to being less than something in order to see improvement. That feels rather high and mighty to admit to such a thing. Honest, I never felt I was all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips as much as it may sound. I truly was just believing that being anything less than amazing was a sign of weakness. 

Good thing 'amazing' and 'weakness' are subjective. 

Putting it all out there

While not a revelation necessarily, I'm thinking a lot about growth lately. While lingering in bed and enjoying the singing birds outside my window, it occurred to me that, although people grow, not everyone is as vocal about it. 

I'm over the moon tickled presently about conquering insecurities, and improving dusty corners of my life.  Until just recently though, I hadn't really considered where this new urge... this desire... cropped up from, and what has me wanting to be so transparent. 

Miracle Grow

Like plants, people and lions need encouragement sometimes to grow. Growth happens whether we tend to what's happening or not. Weeds and bad seeds grow and suffocate the lush, happy, life-breathing bits and pieces of us. Encouragement in the form of sunbeams, food, and water, along with a bit of selective removal of the crap we need to kill (or plant elsewhere) ... 

I'm guilty of feeding the wrong things, many times in my life, and recently as well. Why do I bother sharing? In the event my words are like miracle grow somehow to someone else, and a little weeding breathes life into your personal garden - that's why. 

Sunbeam naps are good... 

As much as you're convinced that you've arrived... that you've matured and are now done growing... you're wrong. Something grows. Whether it's the love you have for your cat, the hatred you feel towards your boss, the debt you're accumulating on that shiny new credit card. Just don't let the ugly, smothering weeds and nasties shove the green and happy out of your life. Some things are harder to kill when they take over. 

It's not everyone's deal, to share openly. And one should never feel pressured to change. I simply challenge you to spend a little time in the sunbeams. It's easier to see when a little light is shed, and the warmth of the life giving rays may give you the strength to tackle the weeds. 

Blame Spring...  If I go back through old journals or blogs, growth is always the theme. If you're interested in what I had to say in April of '08, this is one of my favorites. 

Overwhelmed & Ridin' The Waves

Lots of stuff feels overwhelming.  'Overwhelmed' doesn't need to be a bad thing. Imagine being overwhelmed with money? Or chocolate? (neither of these describe my state, but you get the picture!)

The flood of overwhelmed around me is a mixed set. Joy, love, belonging, confusion, exhaustion, emotion. At least when it's a sea of strong feelings in both directions, the waves are always an adventure! 

xxooxxooxxoo

ridin' the wave..... 

Vulnerable

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Suddenly, I feel vulnerable.
Both hidden away and transparent.
Overcome with unexplainable emotion.

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But what color are the feelings?
What flavour is the fear?
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Wherever it came from, 
I'll entertain it long enough to understand. 
And then, I'll send it packing after a cordial conversation. 
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On Trying, Adventures & Shared Inspirations

Recently, while hunting pies, I heard one whisper: "To not try guarantees not getting what you want"

Equally thought-provoking (and hopefully inspiring!) was this comment on a fierce femme's status: If you don't, you already know the outcome. If you do, well, then that is the adventure. (regarding 'do I or don't I?') 

And lastly, hot roller derby ex-glasses-twin pointed me to this fantastic truth recently: Nobody Ever Died of Awkward. You don't have to be fat, shy or insecure to get something yummy out of it. Just click the link already, and for goodness sake, leave more inspiration for one another in the comments!

Real is beautiful. Show Up and Breathe.

I love how conversations with wonderful friends inspire and evoke amazing feelings of truth and gratitude. I feel as though the most amazing blanket of peace is wrapped around me. My mind has never been so aware of how happy I am when I listen to truths and seek understanding. 

I've shared a lot as of late, here on my little spot to write and in conversation privately with good people, at how blown away I am regarding my strange ease into 'just being me.' Because I'll likely always reference my Jesus freak days somewhere, here's a memory that's strong in my mind right now. 

I recall preaching once, to a group of youth, about servitude, when it occurred to me that the most important step is being there. "Show up and breathe," I told them. 

Just breathe. 

Be present. 

Think as little as possible, and just 'be.'

Imagine. Here is this community and they seem to kinda like keeping me around. It isn't the first time. I'm trying to be humble here... when I know that I am mostly well loved in many circles. I hate talking about it honestly, but I pretty much feel it to be true, so there. I said it. 

And in other circles, I haven't been dishonest. I just haven't been the free running lion that I was meant to be. Thank the gods (even Jesus, I suppose) that I've found a place to run. (and oh, the ways that could be interpreted... rubs hands together...)

Will I ever speak of something other than community? And finding a place? Maybe. But for now, boy howdy am I ever happy. A measure of happy that seems euphoric and impossible to fake. 

I have been blessed and honoured with so many beautiful creatures who share pieces of themselves from the depths of their heart. I have witnessed more truth than I knew existed and as a result been all that much freer to just show up and breathe. 

Thank you. To you who have been honest. To you who have shown me your vulnerability. To you who have inspired me. To you who have listened as I vetted thoughts. To you who accepted me. To you who reads my thoughts and ramblings and to you who shares something additional and relevant. To you who chooses not to be afraid of a little lion. 

<3

Shy, Insecure or Just Plain Scared?

Ever met a skinny gal who says she's fat? Or a smart boy who feels he's dumb? Or the prettiest face you ever saw that, when it looks in the mirror it frowns in disbelief?

Of course you have. We all have.

Interesting how we only need to have a thought or an experience to cause us to believe one thing that we may then go on to believe forever. That is, until we re-examine it later (if we ever get around to it)

My logical self understands and often preaches the need to say kind things, true things and happy-making things about ones self. But what about the things we believe that maybe aren't necessarily mean or hurtful, but perhaps just not entirely true? Do we think about those self-labels much? Do we even care? Why am I ask 'us' so many questions? This is about me, dammit!

I've been challenged a few times regarding the word shy. Some of those challenges were issued by myself, of all the people! I've tried explaining myself as 'outgoing but shy' and 'sometimes a social butterfly with a major side of terrified' ...

So I started re-living moments of 'shy' in my head and tried to pull something out that makes sense. This is what I'm toying with:

• I'm not good at flirting with a purpose (this, I believe is well known and established). But if someone who I have an established relationship with of some level shoves me in that direction, I'm still hopeless, but turned on by the shove and ridiculous attempts. 
• Being direct and speaking what (or who) I want terrifies me. 
• Like many people, rejection is a gross reality and fear. I haven't experienced much of it out of fear of even trying. I'm way too guarded. 
• If you pay or bring attention to me... the kind that turns me on, interests me, flatters me or otherwise makes me feel somehow well-liked, I will blush and behave awkwardly. This isn't necessarily shy. I'm beginning to think it's just that I'm partially socially awkward perhaps. 
• I feel that I'm secure in who I am and comfortable with my body and overall happy, but am starting to see that maybe I'm not always convinced it's ok to feel that way. When someone smiles at me, I lose that security and am certain they have gas as it can't be true that I'd be interesting enough. This is a pretty big reality that suddenly I'm looking at working on a way out of. 
• I like attention. I'm just scared to admit it, because of those things above. I like blushing and feeling uncomfortable. It turns me on. Shh. 

I'm thinking that somewhere, I decided I was something and then chose to use it as the excuse for my beliefs that I am not capable of certain key things within relationships - whether fun and casual giddy sex, a longer term hookup, or something more committed - I hide behind a label that isn't even accurate. 

Damn, sometimes I wish I was not so awkwardly terrified. There is wonderful, sexy fun with my name on it. 

Help a lion out? Where do I even begin to burst out of the fear that I cloaked as shy?

Adoption

A lion without a pride really struggles to survive typically.  

Solitary lions aren't as successful in hunting and thriving. 

Lions don't have the easiest time finding a welcoming pride. 

I've lived, but now I'm living. I'm prowling with a pride. 

I feel somehow... Adopted. 

**happy rawr**