I've been quiet on the blog about what's happening in my life. Don't mistake that for quiet period. Just on the blog. I whine and cry at every opportunity. Not my best attribute? To catch you up: I moved to an unfamiliar place, became surrounded with unfamiliar things and people, lost my job, failed at attempts to land a new one, became discouraged, grew tired of trying, and decided to make a change.
Here's where my head is...
The Plan
Why shouldn't a non-academic type like me with a previously debilitating writing anxiety who fights daily to believe she's smart enough go to school?
Why shouldn't she??
I have a plan. It's a great one. It ends in education that I don't have to pay for 100% on my own. Sure, there are still hoops to jump through. There are still many opportunities for me to become discouraged before it even begins. There's plenty of time to freak out, melt down, become a puddle of tears and even change my mind.
In fact, I had those moments today. The realization that I can't afford to live how and where I am living. The anxiety that the knowledge that I must sell my car gives me (and just after I successfully landed expensive insurance that I'm told was on the cheap side). I don't even have time to worry about whether or not I'll be accepted. Or to fuss about how well I will perform. I'm too busy pacifying the screaming baby in my head that says that this is financially unmanageable.
And so, on the way to see my therapist today (how convenient?), I broke into tears and 'decided' that I'd toss away the silly dream and find a job immediately. [note: the job thing is complicated as I am applying for a second career education, meaning unemployment is part of the criteria. As soon as I'm employed with a job of a certain level, I am disqualified. Also, I can't afford school on my own]
More signs and wonders?
On my way through the many strange streets my GPS chose to take me today, I passed by one campus of the school I applied to. I had never noticed the campus. I didn't need to go that way, ever. Yet, here I was.
I don't remember if I was thanking the Universe for a 'sign' or perhaps hollering 'fuck you, Universe' out loud in my car at that moment. Ok. I lied. It was definitely 'fuck you'. I couldn't help but wonder why.
Also today, I picked a parcel up from the post office. Something I ordered a while back finally arrived. The Collective Tarot was one of those pretty, shiny things I couldn't live without. Of course, upon receiving it I cried again. This time because I felt guilt at spending the money. Money I didn't have.
I looked the cards over thoughtfully, and when I finished crying I thought carefully about the one pressing question I was tormenting myself with all day long. "Should I just give up dreaming and accept my reality?"
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I drew The Star, and this is what the accompanying book has to say about this card:
When The Tarot Collective started this project, the question came up in peoples' minds, "are we really qualified to write about the cards and offer guidance? We're not experts!" When the tarot was consulted with these questions, the Star card was pulled. "no, you don't have all the answers," the card said, "but if you trust your intentions and draw upon the still unknown resources you will have available to you, you will be able to create something worthwhile and powerful." In exact words, this is what Tarot: Mirror of the Soul had to say: "This card represents a beautful process. Cosmic inspiration of the highest nature is recieved and made manifest on the material plane... pass[ing[ it on in full service to the highest good... A new crystal-clear vision lends form and purpose to that which a moment ago was only a vague impression... The power of the inspiration you receive gives wings to your soul and lets the apparently impossible become manifest in marvellous ways."
And so from those words of reassurance, we decided to believe in magic, and this deck was born. The stars can only truly be seen when the night is clear. When the air is clear of clouds, pollution, and negative thoughts. When seeing the star clearly, its healing light replenishes us.
[...] the Star is there to remind you to look to the future, create your own ideals and to live by your own truth and cultural values, rather than those of the colonizer/oppressor and systems they have created based on lies of what beauty, strength, wholeness, connection and home are. The Star is Inspiration coming from the truth deep within yourself...I dunno about you, but it really struck me. I have to try to do this for me. No matter how bad it sucks. No matter how I end up. Can you point me to a soup kitchen?
Reaping and Sowing
In my days with Jesus, I taught the reaping and sowing principal. Call it what you will, but I believe that what you give comes back to you. Whether it's three fold like the pagans say, or disguised behind the word Karma doesn't really matter. It comes back. I've given a lot. Time, emotional commitment, monetary stuffs. Also, some not nice things too. And while I believe these things come back to me, I'm also having to remember another sermon I used to preach. The blessing is in the giving, not the receiving. Translation? I'm denying someone a blessing who may try to give something to me by being too proud or too 'polite' to accept it.However. And it's a BIG however. While I don't want to deny anyone the blessing of giving while I do all that reaping... the very idea of accepting any charity in the form of 'Don't worry, I'll buy your coffee' is very stressful to me. Financial gifts and occasional kindnesses mount up to be one big opportunity for disaster if ever unrelated disagreements crop up. The last thing I ever want to be is a burden.
So many things and thoughts causing me stress, and I get to wake up and do it all again tomorrow.
