Double Dutch

Ever play double dutch on the playground? Imagine the ropes are going so fast and you're just stuck staring and hopelessly trying to catch the rhythm in order to jump in at only the right moment.

I mean, if this dog can do it, surely I can too. This is kind of how life feels in this moment. Like I'm the kid who does that dance with her hands in the air and that stance that says 'any minute now I'll take a leap'. 

I think it's time to worry less about my form, and just trip until my face bleeds. Not all realities are pretty. That includes mine. And I have to find a way to be ok with that. 

For the record, I was awesome at jump rope. Double dutch included. Anyone want to play? 

Actually...

That thing I mentioned, pointed out, bought, and/or loved? 

It's because *I* like it. 

It's because I want it (or lust after it) with ME in mind. 

I really am not a selfish person. (Am I?) 

I just want to be able to share what makes me happy without it having to become what someone else should have in a different color, or something that I 'can't' have because it has attributes close to what someone else would like. 

That's all. 

Goldilocks The Lion - This Ain't No Fairytale

Nothing is fitting. Not literally. Not my clothes specifically. They fit just fine. But like Goldilocks, I am having difficulty figuring out the best fit for some of the simplest things. Where to sit, sleep, and eat are just the icing on the cake.

It's a real problem, not knowing where you fit. I am rather glad this whole move/adventure didn't come with a warning that said 'You'll go crazy trying to figure things out' or I might have been frighted away a la Miss Muffet and her spider friend.

I'm learning a lot about the things I take for granted. I'm not only having to jive with new people, but new people are having to want to learn what makes me ... well, me!

The best chair, bed, and meal for this lion? The ones I'm invited to, am not confused about, and understand the boundaries around. I never realized just how important it is to me that I be included, invited, and filled in. I'm used to knowing all that I need to know. And now, I become lost and overwhelmed when sitting on the outskirts of interesting and complex relationships.

These are the 'good things' about being overwhelmed and 'lost' .... the discovery bits where I ultimately learn important things about me. Does that make it suck any less? HA! No. But, I will carry on! I've got this.

It's Not Easy

Being 'lion' is pretty damn difficult. No, I'm not going to rant or whine. Although, if I was and you didn't like it, I really don't care. Take that!

(no one said I had to be nice)

My world has never felt settled since I moved. There are a lot of realities that it sucks to face, and a lot of fantasies that are far from real. I've blogged before about how the move has been overwhelming, how the 'only thing familiar is me' and that it's been an incredibly difficult journey. I'm not about to say that it's not without its rewards. Just because I can't see the rewards very clearly doesn't mean I can't acknowledge that they exist, and with persistence, more will follow.

Sleeping is dark for me. It's when I think. I haven't felt this way since high school. Ewww. High school. Bleck. Whether just a nap or down for the count and a good night's sleep, I nod off with a fight against the things that make me sad or upset.

The two things I was pretty sure about when I moved (one of them being my job), are not even so solid any longer. (I lost my job!)

So here I am. Trying to muddle through and all that I expected is not at all how I envisioned it. Bitter pill to swallow, but I'll figure it out. Honest.