For The Love Of Rebirth (?)

I've been born again! And again. And again....

Disclaimer: Once upon a time, I was a Jesus freak. If references to anything religious seeming or of a Bible thumping nature offend... close your eyes and think of the baby hornets in Ottawa. Who will save them? If you can take the religion out of the text and see it as literature, you might snag a meaty nugget or two, too.

So it's true. I was once a student of the Bible. And although I no longer follow Jesus and have long ago thrown away my rainbow assortment of WWJD bracelets (oh, the irony), I often find solace, truth, or inspiration in the proverbs, psalms, and parables I once preached from behind many a pulpit. 

So back to this rebirth notion. The Bible talks about being born again. Of course, in a spiritual Christian context, it's referencing the acceptance and recognition of Jesus as a Savior, making one 'new' again. Many analogies follow. First, you're like a 'babe' ... and as such, only able to digest milk like that from a breast. It would be ludicrous to feed a well-marinated steak to a baby without teeth (no matter how delighted you are that you can broil it perfectly two days in a row much to your surprise and delight)... And so the good book goes on to explain the parallel of a new Christian needing to be treated with kid gloves, and only dished digestible bits until it's ready to eat at the grown up table. 

Getting to the point. Hang in there. 

As a kid, I hung with the adults whenever possible. I went visiting with my parents. I listened in on and participated in grown up conversations. Probably not the healthiest thing, but it was normal for me. I loved it. Typically in relationships, I get along best with people older than me. I'm most often attracted to people with at least a few years on me. I used to manage just fine to keep up at the grown up table. 

And then I met Jesus. 

Probably one of the most difficult things for me when I found Jesus (on the internet) was this notion of being 'like a child.' Suddenly, I was overcome with this ridiculous fear of no longer being able to keep up with the big kids. Rather than give myself permission to accept a 'learning curve,' I beat myself up for choking on the steak I tried to eat early on. I loathed being 'new' as I was used to being good at everything I did. (boy howdy, has THAT ever changed!)

I worked hard to digest that meat. I 'studied to show myself approved' (that's from 2 Timothy... one of those crazy books full of stuff in the Bible)... Eventually, I felt worthy of sitting at the grown up table. Upon further reflection early on, I realized it was silly of me to be so concerned with how I looked/seemed to anyone else. Afterall, at that point in my life, I need only be concerned with how God viewed me. 

What's the point, exactly?

Despite what should have been a lesson learned, I still struggle with a bottle of milk when something new comes my way. I feel as though I am constantly being 'reborn' as my life has changed numerous times before, during and after Jesus. 

• Deciding to leave the church because I had a conflict in my heart. I thought I might like women and I couldn't live with being a hypocrite. Rebirth. 
• Coming to terms with my sexuality, my sex, my body. Losing my virginity. Born again. 
• Realizing and accepting the kink side of me as healthy, normal and ok. Reborn once more. 
• Feeling pulled and attracted to Wicca. Clueless and searching. 
• Changing the way I think about myself when I feel inadequate about 'drinking milk' and taking 'baby steps' in any area of my life. Difficult and struggling. 
• Realizing how shielded I am and venturing to fully explore the parts of me I have kept locked up and afraid of. Beautiful and terrifying. 

I don't expect anyone A) reads this fully B) cares or C) understands. And honestly, that's A-ok with me. Once upon a time, I would never have been strong enough to confess to that which I do not know. I was too afraid to say 'I'm not certain,' and too proud to drink milk from a bottle once again. (and dammit, if you DO read this... drop a comment on occasion wouldya?)

Why it is that I won't give myself permission to be 'new' and to learn about the parts of me I smother by shoving away, I'm not sure. Nobody wants to eat meat with a girl who needs the heimlich just to get through the meal, yet I have done exactly that so often in my life. 

But here I am. I'm gripping a glass bottle with a very realistic nipple filled with warm milk and saying "there are things I'm not so good at, and rather than ever try, I just ignore them.. but now I'm going to learn."

I want to one day be an amazing lover, a closer than a brother best friend, a competent communicator, a strong and confident queer woman. 

I'm pretty sure that I can do all of those things. Just let me be ok with finally admitting it's ok to grow. 

*phew* Being born again is hard work. But good work.

**edit: Despite how it may sound, I am unbelievably happy. Please do not mistake this as me being needy, whiney or otherwise forlorn. kthnxbi

Turning Points II

Notable recent turning points or intersections I'm contemplating or have made...

• Standing at the corner of Shy and Not Shy But Something Else and wondering if maybe Shy is the wrong street to visit. Just because I spend a lot of time on Blush does not mean I have the direction right. Thanks to Charlie for the conversations about this that have me nomming on thoughts. 
• Frequent (secret) visits to Insecurity Avenue. The Courage around the corner is looking more and more delightful all the time. Must train the GPS to turn the other way. 
• Gayly Forward always trumps Straight Ahead
• Mysterious Adventures bring more happiness than stressfilled attempts at Well Thought Out
• Less inclined to run screaming down Freak Out and better able to navigate Chill Out (even in midst of missed flights or missing iPhones)

I'll edit and add as I see fit.

Spoiled Lion

On of the coolest thing about encountering this 'community' I keep speaking of... is that I managed to slide my way in as though it was Cinderella's slipper and I was a smelly old foot that fit just right.

I am continually meeting people who are part of this web of wonderfulness that I want to take up residence within. People I feel like I have already known a long time. Isn't that the best feeling? The point where you just know that it was meant to be you fit.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with three of the loveliest lovelies I know. For reals. I am honored to spend time with a triad so positively delightful. Even when I don't understand the language, or am awkwardly unsure of how to manage my presence at every given time, I am comfortably happy. If the energy of these three could power me like a light bulb, I'd be blindingly bright at all times.

I am happy to just be present. I am happy to just be nearby. I am happy to have yummy conversation, fail miserably at flirting and laugh with these girls. I am overwhelmed when I am spoiled. And boy howdy, was I spoiled.

Thank you, you fabulous S girls, for tours in the freezing cold, walks in the park, giving me the tourist treatment, cooking delicious eats, putting me up (or putting up with me!?) and especially for giving me a new mane.

Turning Points I

How many times in my life have I turned? How often do I contemplate the turning? My days are filled with indecisiveness and decision making in the style of ping pong ball. I'm directionally challenged, so I find myself pulling multiple U-turns to try and navigate streets of less-than-familiar cities.

In order to turn, however, you first need to see that point where it makes sense to change direction (or your mind)

The moment you realize you're going the wrong way, are lost, or no longer feel like ravioli... That's when you make an alternate choice. That's the point. The point where decisions are made often quickly. Sometimes those decisions happen without much thought. They just 'feel right'.

The Universe has certainly allowed me a lot to think on. More than I am able to share. Not because it's a big fat secret, but because it requires far more organization of thought than I am willing to commit to right now. I am honest at the very least.

More importantly than the thoughts I can't articulate, are the ones that make sense to me to pour out now. Disclaimer: these thoughts may not make the same sense to you. I don't apologize. They're for me and to me, they are delicious and I shall happily snack on them.

Of many analogies for life, one that's often tossed about is the idea of a road map. Some people struggle to map their present and future while preserving their past in an effort to make the most beautifully photographic road trips through life. These are the planners. I'm not a planner, necessarily. The picture atlas that documents my journies thus far hardly looks put together a la Martha Stewart.

And I'm ok with that.

Despite not being a planner, I have often felt the need to act the part of one. I may not know what my life looks like 1 year down the road (forget about 5 or 10!), but I have refused to accept that it's ok to wander and be happy.

I have arrived at the intersection of Well Thought Out and Mysterious Adventure many times in my life only to get stuck in traffic and hung up on all of the 'shoulds' that cloud my mind.

If you don't know this about me, I am very fussy about time. It's a quirk. I hate to make people wait for me. But I will wait forever for someone else. If we're late for that party we're heading to and it's not my fault personally? I'm completely ok with being late. You can feel free to take your time and fix your makeup one last time. I will wait. Happily. But you will not wait for me. You should never have to.

Because of this, I obsess over time. If I am driving, I will get us there ... ON TIME. If I am leading or arranging something, it must happen ON TIME. (GST just hasn't really worked it's way into my life well enough I suppose)... If a set time isn't needed for the rest of the crowd, but I have committed to do something at a flexible time - I obsess over being ready at the drop of a hat and struggle to enjoy myself until the 'time' has come.

Also, I am not the best at making decisions. Mostly because I think far too much about something as simple as 'do I want beef or chicken' that I fear I am holding the rest of the world up while they wait for me to decide that I feel uncomfortable making such an easy decision.

There. Now you know my neurosis.

This makes for interesting road trips. My poor (lovely) traveling companions to Harvest and back. I hated not knowing confidently well in advance where to turn next, what time we should eat and when it was best to stop. Oh, and I was the driver for most of the journey. I did my best to not let on how stressed it made me to make such decisions. I didn't always succeed.

The last several days, I have felt tested in many ways regarding these irritating quirks. But there was a turning point. A moment when the obsessions no longer immobilized me mentally. Eventually, I think I'll come down from the change of direction and have a good releasing cry... but for now, I'm pleasantly ok.

From losing my iPhone to travel misadventures to relying on friends who I would have once upon a time been less inclined to reach out to, I feel as though I'm looking once again at that intersection of Well Thought Out and Mysterious Adventure, only this time I'm confident that the way of the Mysterious Adventure will be the most satisfying in the end.

Just when I was sure my reserve of cheerfulness was all used up, I found more. I think I like this street more than I ever knew that I would.

Lion On The Loose!

In the woods?

Sort of.

I'm hoping to make it to my favorite east coast camping event this August. Evil Camping IV.

Seriously, people should travel from all kinds of places to join the kinky fun on a mountain top in Nova Scotia where the view of the Valley is beautiful, and the backdrop of a castle keep under construction is fun and inspiring.

Learn more about the event via the Fetlife group here.

And most importantly, for my friends who are itching for it to be here already? Count the sleeps until Evil Camping IV here.

Were you there last year? What was your FAVORITE memory? Are you going to be there this year? What do you look forward to the most?

Please share :)

Writing & Randomness

Often, I have tried to convince myself to be consistent with things as simple as writing. There's a lot to be said about two different schools of thought.

• Write every chance you get. No matter what you're writing about or for, write on a regular basis. Practice makes perfect or something. At the very least, the exercise of writing acts as a platform to dump what's in your head. Sharing every thought with the world, or even a select few, is hardly a requirement. Just write. 
• Write only when you have something brilliant to say. 

I'm definitely not practicing the latter. Especially right now. 

Some of my closest friends know this little secret about me already. Some people who read this blog (for whatever reason) may not be shocked by this little secret.

Ready? Here it is. 

Writing terrifies me. 

There was a time when I believed I could not write. I could not do it. I believed I was not smart enough. My words did not matter. My words made no sense. So, I try not to wait for only those moments when I have something brilliant to say. I try, instead, to just write something. Anything really. Just to remind myself that I can. 

I will never be a wordsmith. I will never feel I am hugely talented. But I refuse to believe I am stupid or unable. I am easily excitable, I jumble words together, and I don't always succeed in making a clear point. 

Yet, I write. 

I even get paid to do it. 

Life is funny. 

Stylish Mane

I need a haircut. A new 'do. Some style or somethin'.... I'm looking shaggy.. and well, I'm a proud lion. (sorta)

Won't you please lend a hand (or a paw) and toss an idea or two my way? I want to do something that I normally don't do (although I've been toying with going bald again)

I know what I DON'T want.... here are a few examples: