The Unnatural Habitat (or How The Lion Broke Her Groin)

All good stories start with Once upon a time, and what a time it was once upon indeed! Or something like that...

So then.. once upon a time a lion moved to the big city. We'll call her Ophelia.

Anyone who's anyone knows that lions don't live in cities unless they're caged and forced to make a spectacle of themselves while being tormented through the bars.

Somehow, Ophelia escaped the 24/7 lifestyle of a showpiece lion in a city, and was free to roam the streets. Despite getting lost often, the humans were unaffected by her presence on streetcars, subways, and in coffee shops. Living was easy for the little lion. Or so it seemed.

Replacing a cage for a bed that somehow resembled a cage (or at least the frame of one), Ophelia figured everything would become familiar soon enough, and with that thought she worked hard to make it so.

There was just so much ROOM in her non-cage-cage. With only four posts to contain her, shiny chain dangling to hypnotize her, and a very conveniently placed electrical outlet, Ophelia nestled into her unnatural habitat. No zookeepers were watching, no humans passing by, and no other lions napping in sunbeams with her.

Just Ophelia and her favorite (cat) toy (?)!

Trying so hard to make her non-cage-cage feel familiar and enough like a cage to be comforting, she got up close and personal with her new home. Rubbing herself on every part of the structure to claim it as home, often times climbing acrobatically and contorting her too-chunky-to-stand-on-her-head self in the most unusual positions. Through it all, she had her faithful toy. Never more than 6 feet from that magical electrical outlet. The lion growled and howled and wriggled and writhed.

Feet firmly planted on the two posts spread furthest apart.

*cue record scratches*

Wait a minute. The two furthest apart? What was the lion THINKING?

The toy whirred on while the giant goof of a not-so-domestic cat spread her hind quarters wide. The toy was so fun, it was difficult to stop, and somewhere in all of the playing with a furry pussy, Ophelia disregarded the over-extension of a rather important muscle and played on... and on.... and on... until she collapsed with the toy firmly in her paw, and bliss written on her face.

When it was morning, the little lion was dizzy with groin pain. She broke it. She broke her groin. And she would do it all over again minutes later.

Her only regret? That she tried too hard to familiarize herself with her surroundings in her unnatural habitat when she knew all along what she needed most was a cage.