For The Love Of Rebirth (?)

I've been born again! And again. And again....

Disclaimer: Once upon a time, I was a Jesus freak. If references to anything religious seeming or of a Bible thumping nature offend... close your eyes and think of the baby hornets in Ottawa. Who will save them? If you can take the religion out of the text and see it as literature, you might snag a meaty nugget or two, too.

So it's true. I was once a student of the Bible. And although I no longer follow Jesus and have long ago thrown away my rainbow assortment of WWJD bracelets (oh, the irony), I often find solace, truth, or inspiration in the proverbs, psalms, and parables I once preached from behind many a pulpit. 

So back to this rebirth notion. The Bible talks about being born again. Of course, in a spiritual Christian context, it's referencing the acceptance and recognition of Jesus as a Savior, making one 'new' again. Many analogies follow. First, you're like a 'babe' ... and as such, only able to digest milk like that from a breast. It would be ludicrous to feed a well-marinated steak to a baby without teeth (no matter how delighted you are that you can broil it perfectly two days in a row much to your surprise and delight)... And so the good book goes on to explain the parallel of a new Christian needing to be treated with kid gloves, and only dished digestible bits until it's ready to eat at the grown up table. 

Getting to the point. Hang in there. 

As a kid, I hung with the adults whenever possible. I went visiting with my parents. I listened in on and participated in grown up conversations. Probably not the healthiest thing, but it was normal for me. I loved it. Typically in relationships, I get along best with people older than me. I'm most often attracted to people with at least a few years on me. I used to manage just fine to keep up at the grown up table. 

And then I met Jesus. 

Probably one of the most difficult things for me when I found Jesus (on the internet) was this notion of being 'like a child.' Suddenly, I was overcome with this ridiculous fear of no longer being able to keep up with the big kids. Rather than give myself permission to accept a 'learning curve,' I beat myself up for choking on the steak I tried to eat early on. I loathed being 'new' as I was used to being good at everything I did. (boy howdy, has THAT ever changed!)

I worked hard to digest that meat. I 'studied to show myself approved' (that's from 2 Timothy... one of those crazy books full of stuff in the Bible)... Eventually, I felt worthy of sitting at the grown up table. Upon further reflection early on, I realized it was silly of me to be so concerned with how I looked/seemed to anyone else. Afterall, at that point in my life, I need only be concerned with how God viewed me. 

What's the point, exactly?

Despite what should have been a lesson learned, I still struggle with a bottle of milk when something new comes my way. I feel as though I am constantly being 'reborn' as my life has changed numerous times before, during and after Jesus. 

• Deciding to leave the church because I had a conflict in my heart. I thought I might like women and I couldn't live with being a hypocrite. Rebirth. 
• Coming to terms with my sexuality, my sex, my body. Losing my virginity. Born again. 
• Realizing and accepting the kink side of me as healthy, normal and ok. Reborn once more. 
• Feeling pulled and attracted to Wicca. Clueless and searching. 
• Changing the way I think about myself when I feel inadequate about 'drinking milk' and taking 'baby steps' in any area of my life. Difficult and struggling. 
• Realizing how shielded I am and venturing to fully explore the parts of me I have kept locked up and afraid of. Beautiful and terrifying. 

I don't expect anyone A) reads this fully B) cares or C) understands. And honestly, that's A-ok with me. Once upon a time, I would never have been strong enough to confess to that which I do not know. I was too afraid to say 'I'm not certain,' and too proud to drink milk from a bottle once again. (and dammit, if you DO read this... drop a comment on occasion wouldya?)

Why it is that I won't give myself permission to be 'new' and to learn about the parts of me I smother by shoving away, I'm not sure. Nobody wants to eat meat with a girl who needs the heimlich just to get through the meal, yet I have done exactly that so often in my life. 

But here I am. I'm gripping a glass bottle with a very realistic nipple filled with warm milk and saying "there are things I'm not so good at, and rather than ever try, I just ignore them.. but now I'm going to learn."

I want to one day be an amazing lover, a closer than a brother best friend, a competent communicator, a strong and confident queer woman. 

I'm pretty sure that I can do all of those things. Just let me be ok with finally admitting it's ok to grow. 

*phew* Being born again is hard work. But good work.

**edit: Despite how it may sound, I am unbelievably happy. Please do not mistake this as me being needy, whiney or otherwise forlorn. kthnxbi